Image stolen with pride from Slate, a bunch of do-nothings.
Did I really grouse about the inevitable theft of our AT&T phone book from the senior Maf-IA Center? Yes, I did, because VERIZON is up to something, and for details you will have to check with the "Ponytail Division" of the NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, where I applied for a job on-line in 2006, but was predictably snubbed.
Given that Soldier Boy has tracked every click of the Hughes mouse since 1997, and if you want a preview of a funny talk show worthy story, how about several spies in the aisle of my North County Loo BEST BUY in 1994, when H-man delayed the inevitable by purchasing a SMITH CORONA word processor instead of...what? WINDOWS 92! Aw, no naked ladies up on the Internet yet? See, I wait until the time is right.
What were the spies spying on? It was me, fumbling with a mouse, because I did not know how it worked yet. Why not? At that time, my computer at the job site was an "up & down button" or "enter key" affair--no mouse. I did figure out how the mouse worked, but it would be three more years and many missed Florida Hitman opportunities before the colorful WINDOWS 95 Compaq hit the makeshift computer station, otherwise known as dad's dining room table.
How about that early e-mail from "I-tel," a joke of a phone company later absorbed into QUEST? I told you I do my homework, so believe me, spies with phone companies are nothing to sneeze at when the air conditioner has broken down, and the cat died, meaning those developments can't be good, especially when, at least to me, the gov'ment spying activity is like that siren heralding the start of trout season in Missouri.
Don't tangle your lines, girls, or flub them for some greasy director allowed to make a movie, when I cannot. And, please don't connect me to a black girl at the ELECTION ASSISTANCE COMMISSION, when I called the FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION. (Letterman, you can relate, right? Is the Cabin Boy II script done yet?) You see, the latter .gov outfit is for candidates, and the former is for MoveOn.org dummies who do not know how to vote.
Should I tell the New Hampshire story about a dumb Soldier Boy who was in his mid 30's and did not know how to vote, but sat to my left at the official polling place folding table? Who was that girl to my right? I'll never tell, but it is notable that person's boss is 4th in line to be president in the event of extenuating circumstances. Oh pleeease, don't go running for copies of the United States Constitution as we approach the 29th anniversary of when RONALD REAGAN did not die. No, just ask my Texas buddy RON PAUL, because I hear he's got a copy in his pocket at all times.