Everybody's A Star

Right to left we have a stalker I've nicknamed "Rodentia Giganticus," a female I would not mind being introduced to, if 'ya get what I...never mind...and a man who admits visually he's to be left "Holding the bag."

From the Ventura County Star, Onion Edition:

THOUSAND OAKS (AP) -
A homeless man some are speculating may have been a potential Homeland terrorist was found dead early this morning near the intersection of Janss and Highway 23. "We knew a guy was staying near the cloverleaf. Kind of an odd duck, but we initially judged him harmless," said D. Dawson Duhde of the California Highway Patrol. The unidentified man was known only as "William" at the Goebel Senior Adult Center, where he was often seen writing in notebooks and patronizing the computer lab.

"We had no problem with him," said Andrea Koval, Recreation Supervisor at the senior center. However, Ms. Koval added that the deceased was seen out back of the center mumbling and apparently talking to himself. This was noted by the seniors in the billiard room, which faces the rear patio of the center. "Yeah, he'd get out there and holler sometimes," said Jesus "Papa" Giovanni, a regular at the billiard tables.

The unidentified man was said to have had several conversations with a retired North Dakota police officer, however, the officer in question has not been in attendance at Goebel of late, and efforts of several friends to contact him have been unsuccessful. This fact, and vigilance on the part of the Thousand Oaks Police Department, led to contact with the Department of Homeland Security. "We think this is more than a suspicious death," said Chief Jeff Matson of the Thousand Oaks Police.

Department of Homeland Security spokesperson Pamela Bing reported an investigation is underway, but was sparse with details. "The subject entered the State of California in May of 2008, and was involved in activities that made him a person of interest. The investigation is ongoing, and there will be no further comment from the Department," she said. A dissenting view was offered by American Civil Liberties Union Vice President Patrick Changrang, who said, "Waterlogged notebooks and inexplicable motivation are not sufficient to launch a major investigation. We believe Homeland has gone off half-cocked."

Lisa Sigmund, a Marriage and Family Therapist at Ventura County Behavioral Health, seemed to agree with the possibility of excessive zeal on the part of authorities, saying, "Talking to one's self is not necessarily indicative of a mental disorder. Many of our homeless population, even in an affluent area, are under great stress, as with living in camps, cars, or in the wild. This individual was probably merely lonely and estranged from his family."

Probing further among the Ventura County homeless population, the Star determined the deceased man was a participant in the Lutheran Social Services homeless program last winter, where he was often seen working on a laptop computer, however, Chief Matson said no computer had been recovered. "Possibly someone stole it before we recovered the body," he said.

Adding to the speculation, Ventura County Sheriff Bob Brooks said his department had interaction with the subject of the Homeland investigation when deputies responded to a call at McDonald's. "The subject was upset about the Columbia Space Shuttle disaster, and muttering curse words, so we surmised he had an interest in aerospace," said Brooks.

Also contributing to the gathering mystery is Brooks' report that a computer glitch destroyed data on the unidentified man's contact with the Sheriff's Department. "It's the darndest thing," said Brooks. "We wanted to assist, but there's a six and a half gigabyte hole in our hard drive." Therefore, the responding deputy, Lucinda Williamsburg, is unable to be of much help, and of the McDonald's contact said, "Unfortunately, I don't remember his last name, so we too at the Department know him only as 'William'."

Rod Readyruff, a terror expert at the Heritage Foundation, was quick to point out such anomalies, soggy notebooks, uncertain motivation, and a missing laptop, could be a formula for domestic terror. "We're tracking hundreds of cases like this," said Readyruff. Why add an airliner, and we could have another nine-eleven."

Local clergy seem to view the controversy more as just another indicator of deteriorating social services under the state budget's knife. "Be it wannabe terrorists or timid homeless people sleeping in refrigerator boxes, we have a terrible problem here," said Father Dingell Darnell of St. Paschal Bayon. "I encourage all citizens of Thousand Oaks to do more to help the disadvantaged during this most challenging time of serious economic downturn." Father Darnell noted there will be a memorial service for "William" next Tuesday night at 8 p.m.