Agent Camel 99

"A master-crafted blend of only the finest hand-picked Sansun & Izmir Turkish tobaccos with a robust domestic tobacco blend creates Camel's distinctive flavor and world-class smoothness."

The South Park writers called it Team America: World Police, and I absolutely will not screen that one without my new ambulance company, American Medical Response (AMR) on standby, because among those who don't take spying too seriously, a Death Certificate from laughing too hard, and hence not breathing, is a real possibility.

Oh, the clues! The man with the uniform at the Canadian border really did say, "Now Mr. Hughes, don't go buying-up Canada." He really did, with four additional security men/witnesses, so do not start changing the story, Harper, you big jackass. "Buffalo" clues? We got 'em!

BUFFALO, NEW YORK

BUFFALO, MISSOURI

BUFFALO STREET (West)

BUFFALO SPRINGFIELD

BUFFALO BOB (guitarist)

BUFFALO BILL

BUFFALO WINGS (I cooked 'em)

THE ROCK BAND WITH "BUFFALO" IN THE NAME THAT STEREOPHILE MAG LOVES AND I HAVE TWO OF THEIR CD'S BUT SOMEONE SEIZED THEM AND I CAN'T LISTEN TO THEM AND I'M BEING TORTURED IN THE USA SO I CAN'T REMEMBER THE BAND'S NAME AND I THINK STEREOPHILE SANITIZED THEIR WEBSITE OF THE BAND NAME BECAUSE THEY KNEW I'D BE COMIN'

Genetically engineered food? Don't ask me, ask CARGILL. Charles lost money on stocks? Really? U.K. cosmetics scam? Shocking! Gene-splicing to make artificial skin? Outrageous! Losers they were, but how about R.J. REYNOLDS? Lose money on booze & cigs? Impossible! Especially when it looks, or should I say feels like CAMEL 99's are discounted and adulterated with something (ask MONSANTO, maybe) that makes you mighty ill when you try and put them down.

Camel non-filters? Where I come from, we called them "straights," but here in Kook-LA-land, the term is "shorts," as in a Hughes with the shorts, cash flow-wise, or perhaps longevity-wise, or so you think. In the 1970's, someone told me my Camels had chocolate in them. Bad (spy) joke? The joke is on you, soldier, because it was not spy copycat crap that found me smoking Camels with a guy who was apparently worthy of torching the Army Records Center. A, B, & C? All gone, but I was told long ago the "H" files survived, as do I, despite a pack of Camel 99's.