Gasmask? Handwash?: The Loo's Got MO

Cubs versus Cardinals. Why did I never go to WRIGLEY FIELD, eat authentic Deep Dish Pizza, get good and drunk, toss a ball back onto the field, if required, and generally behave obnoxiously? Well spookies, it's a bit like why I never got in the back of the blue pickup truck for a crazed trip to Mardi Gras. What did a young Mr. Hughes do instead? He flipped the IHOP pancakes, which is a little like the old commercial where the man sleepily said, "Time to make the donuts."

Too bad a QUINN Medicine Man kept saying, "Why didn't you cash your check?" Hey dumbass, I lived on campus where they fed me, and saved my money. Sorry, no drug dealing, and others knew it, because back then, we cruelly and politically incorrectly made fun of gay men. So, the IHOP manager we called "Barney" would pout and say, "I'm going home," then depart in his brand-new 1974 CHEVROLET MONTE CARLO that I could never figure out how he financed on IHOP Assistant Manager pay.

Wanna catch some spies? Look for illogical behavior, and living well beyond your means is a clue. (duh). How about the time I figured-up a world-travlin' spygirl's budget because she gave me the figures, including putting her "cover job" paycheck in my hand to--can you believe this?--take to the bank, and even back then, in the Year of Our Lord 2004, I was wondering if I had been appointed the CIA's "Step 'n Fetch It." Didn't know nothin'? Didn't know enough. And, I am sure it is an incontrovertible fact you cannot globetrot with your monthly budget ringing-up as a big negative number.

Spookies, I am famously bad at math, but I can add it up, or as certain family members said, "It's not rocket science," and why did it take thirty-six (36) years for me to grasp the significance of that one? At least the ghost of JAMES ANGLETON knows I'm right about some things. Was it 1975 or 1976 when Professor HOOD said, "Hughes, you should look into working for the CIA." I did so, and a few weeks later, reported back with, "Dr. Hood, I looked into that CIA suggestion, and it's not for me." Yes, my liberal arts college history professor grinned broadly as he said, "That figures!"

This story, my friends, should be in history books, instead of sharing it on Soldier Boy's Internet, if he has not taken down AL GORE's creation due to unruly civilians who are very busy objecting to some sort of highly sophisticated, and gratingly obvious, socialist-style martial law. I don't have all of the details, but FREE GASOLINE is not in my crystal ball. That said, I have noticed, even with very limited access to Soldier Boy's Internet, that "The Loo" is once again under airborne virus attack at the hands of the ARMY MAN. Don't get too excited in the BARNES-JEWISH HOSPITAL ER; you've got to "buck up," deal with it, and wash your hands like medical professionals, will 'ya?

Yes sir-e Bob, Army Man experimented with all of that over St. Louis skies in the 1950's, and he just won't stop the viral bombardment when the Hughes Family does not act right, by Deefense Pentagon standards, anyway. Yep, now we've got one right down the road from CULVER CITY, with a "Laker Girl" promising to bring out fresh horses and a new laptop computer, so who knows what might happen next? Are you all wagering? I recommend HANK PAULSON's purple $5 bills for sheer ugliness in more ways than one.