A Hollywood Public Service Announcement

I agree with "KRYSTAL CLARK" (my physician's receptionist's first name + my "computer guy's" last name) at screencrave.com regarding Machete being "All knives and guns." Hey, HURRY UP TO see LINDSEY LOHAN as a Catholic nun who likes to lick big guns rather suggestively. Trying to get out of playing BJ Queen Linda Lovelace, are we? Going to jail is a "cop out?" Why do that, girl, compared to whipping out your magic Gold Card at the hotel of your choice with Mr. Hughes, who would be out of the Ralph's cart for good, we'd make a damn good movie, and.....

Martian attack! Take cover, and tune to KMOX 1120 AM, quick! Are you all nuts in California, save Hughes? Sorry, if you drop a bag full of Starbucks food on a dark Ralph's parking lot, I'm thinking IED, as in Iraq. Why don't you hypnotized zombies talk to me?

And, yes, I was in CARL'S JR. last evening on the "Lohan Stool," looking over at the "Hughes Stool," truly amazed at how close that encounter was. Hey LA, nothing is what it looks like, and you crazies wanted it that way? Whew! My political action committee sure has the right name as "People for the Real Deal," but not much "action" (of any kind, Mafia boys) will be forthcoming on $21.50 a fiscal quarter.

Thanks to the Washington Post (they know me, they don't like me) photo gallery's last shot of Lohan leaving the courthouse. A few dozen video cams and maybe a few hundred still cameras for an average talent (slap me later, girl) DISNEY wench? How about some legal "fine print" before we spar in court over the theft of my intellectual property, "mind games," criminal conspiracies, torture tactics, neo-Nazis, Walt & Howard, etc. etc. etc.

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Ah, the essential questions in life, such as: "Lindsey, was it a 'Classic Chicken' or 'Southwest' Chicken'?" And, how about a question for the producers of Machete? "Is dropping Lohan from the trailer a death threat?" This is Mr. Hughes, and I think it is, so you'd better get to a safe place, like the jailhouse.