The Hughes U.S. News & World Report

Let's lighten-up a bit, lawn chair gang!


Where is the U.S. News & World Report with my letter defending JESSIE JACKSON SR.? In the seized PENSKE TRUCK, of course! I never rented the truck from Uncle who's moving and storage? Bob's! The spy's computer was nicknamed what? Bob! In my HUGHES SCREENPLAY #8 (already famous), what does the fictional president's intercom say? Oh, that would be, "Bob's here." What happened to the real Bob's U.S. Army file? "They" burned it! Who are they? Don't ask me, because I do not spy, I only catch 'em.

Does anybody believe these fairy tales? Can I go home to the U.K. and restore order? Who are those stoogies? More importantly, who is my "body double" at America's Best Value in Newbury Park? What does it mean when "they" tell the CHP "I'm goin' to Newbury!" (when even this St. Louisian knows you were going in the opposite direction).

May I have a paid staff, please? No more planting nukes near me, please. No more allegations of drug dealing, please. "Mafia Man" I'm not, and thanks for admitting it. And now, Jessie Jr. is going to be "slimed" by the same attack that knocked Governor Rod out of politics? At least he got to be on television talk shows.

Air Force nutty contrails? Hey, ART BELL, they're all gone! Flyin' triangles it's not. Satanic ritual it's not. Can you dumbells get a clue, please? The great rocker ALICE COOPER, called it "Black Ju Ju" long ago, and back then, a guy had his mouth hanging open when I alleged Alice was "Some kind of government act." In 1973? The 18 year-old kid was smokin' alright! Plus, we all know Cooper lived to get very wealthy off WARNER BROTHERS RECORDS and golfed with BING CROSBY, right?

Fools, it used to be called "The Occult," and now it is more properly called "Parapsychology." Plus, "everybody and his brother" is heaving up satellites that.....hey buddy, don't keep acting like I'm the only one that knows what they do, because as they say, or I presume they say in Huntsville, Alabama, a major Rocket Man town, "That dog won't hunt" no more.

Me? Does anybody really care about me? Why, Hughes almost got detained in the Warner Bros. jail! Why? An innocent wrong turn onto the holy, holy Warner's lot. What was "up," doc? Security guys came running, and we did the official, "Warner Brothers U-turn." However, don't we all know: No U-turn in Agoura Hills! And, I never did it in the 2007 FORD FOCUS, Midnight Black, and damn it, KATE WINSLET DID PULL UP NEXT TO ME ON U.S. 101 IN THE LEFT LANE, SITTING IN THE PASSENGER SEAT OF--WHAT?--a Black FORD FOCUS hatchback!

Are my Fuji Digital camera California travelogue photos really showing up as Microsoft/Windows XP "Sample Pictures?" Can't you famous people talk to me? Just a little?

Chicken!