"Distribution Hell" = Mafia Doin' Well

We await word from E.T.'s, who will be able to brief Mr. Hughes on how many spies, Mafia, and Secret Service guys & gals attended my dollar show screening of Casino. Did I tell a local videographer who lunches with a semi big shot I'd pass out in the presence of Sharon Stone? Hey, those people don't age, but my face will look like Jimmy Carter's if I don't get a multi-pic deal soon. As for my In The Line Of Fire dollar show screening, Clint, I don't want to think about it, because I didn't notice much, so I guess that's why they put "Secret" in the name of that outfit.

"Good movie?" What's that? Have you read a lot about the making of that big flop Casablanca, as Mr. Hughes has? Have you read-up on the commotion in LA caused by Hells Angels? What scoundrel made that movie? Shut up! Because he's not your grandpa.

What do I get out of this, besides a bunch of crap? Pennies from heaven, and the real bikers who dress like DANIEL BOONE love the show when I sleep in a ditch. I know so, because they roar by with much fanfare as I brush the Sandman's grit out of my eyes.

How do they know I just awakened? I don't ask many questions, which is part of the reason I'm still alive. Spies, on the Harry S. Truman "other hand," ask a lot of questions, and I'm stupid enough to answer them. Mr. Hughes does have questions, however, such as how have you blocked my film making from the "front end" (read Bush 41 blacklisted) since early 2002?

Now, given Hollycreeps may be ready to quit artificially crying poor and make one of my least expensive tales into a...what? Are they still called "movies?" I hear there was one released that was really expensive to make, and as my guru said, it was about, "The Amazon and shit." That's a lot of money, Cameron! And, a wayward copy of Wired magazine told me y'all are in your home theatres watching interactive "Holograms and shit."

So I'm "nuts" for knowing what I know about you know what? I can't help it I'm good at this, whatever "this" is. Genetics, my boy, genetics. The jigs up: What are they really doing at AMGEN? Oh my, I've strayed from the topic, so I must be "bipolar." Are you nuts? I'm not. Bipolar Affective Disorder, and out on the streets for 17 months? No hospital? No arrests? Would it hurt you spies to secure a clinical fact or two? Ask a psychiatrist, please. That's IMPOSSIBLE!!! Have you seen me pick up a coffee stirrin' stick off the ground and use it? Yes, you have, spies, and I'm "OCD?" ONE MORE TIME: You are nuts, and I'm not!!!

Me? Mentally ill? No, ADMIRAL WILLIE is not, but I almost put two unemployed actors away in the local loony bin for 72 hours yesterday. Fussin' & fightin' they were, over what I am not sure. Kids, can we make a movie, before I put Fagan & Becker in jail over the "Show business kids making movies of themselves, you know they don't give a f--- about anybody else" business?

Please, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Jesus & Mary; can I get an airhorn like my SETH SINGER character you all like so much already? Talk about a "spoiler"--no date in the nation would fail to know the ending, and I don't even have the damn thing typed-up yet. Spyin' a little out here on the Left Coast, are 'ya? Just a bit, like every man, woman, and child. Hey buddy, can 'ya spare a pirated copy of MOVIE MAGIC? How about a $79 download of FINAL DRAFT, and you a--holes are not stealing it this time, or London will truly be calling, and you will find a severed weasel head in your featherbed.

Wi-Fi? Download? Will it work right? Frankly, my dear, I'd rather have a CD, or if I must download, buy TIME WARNER for that cable modem thingy. Satellite dish? Who needs 'em? Hey, I'm the boss, and you, whoever you are, don't like this. "Tough nugies," as my 5th grade nun said, and don't ask me what a "nugie" is.

I say, "F--- all of you,"and if we manage to make a movie for 2-3 million, what then? Movie theatre chains be Maf-IA. Mafia! Mafia! Aw, get real, because then my headaches begin anew, at the "back end," right? If a tree falls in the woods, and you are not around, does it make a sound? Thanks, 01.22.10 Rolling Stone, because it looks like Nothing But The Truth died a slow death, as many good movies expire, then get buried in the $5.99 DVD bin.

Hey PENSKE, may I have my 2,000 or so sound recordings back now? Why did I find so many good CD's in the Vintage Vinyl $4.99 bin? Mafia! Mafia! Any questions? Comments? I've got two Q's: 1) Is KATE BECKINSALE divorced yet?; and 2) What kind of name is FARM-IGA?

Oh, and just one more question: Can they act?