Keeping Up With The Hiltons

HACKERS, YOU CAN ERASE A PHOTO OF GOVERNOR PALIN AND CALL THIS TO MY ATTENTION ANYTIME.

"You're not me," is an often used taunt among the California cuckoo-birds, and as for, "walking in the other guy's moccasins," or "assuming the role of the other," well, the coke-nosed, genitalia-seekers out here just can't do it. ME, ME, ME, was a 1970's thing? Liars, those old spooks! 1980's greed? We ain't seen nothin' yet, right along with unseen objects like black holes and OLIVER NORTH'S notebook.

To steal from Chico Esquela, the SNL character of my youth, "The 1990's were very, very, good to me." Chico was on the air with "Mr. Bill" (me) and H-wood types have taught me how Producer Lorne Michaels had better give Hughes the show for one night, or else...what? Only civil courts of the future know for sure, and I'm no extortionist, so why not look for mucho criminal counts against those who made a lot of cash singing, writing, acting, and joking about that poor lil' prince, William V.

Pax Revengicana will be sweet, and MI-6 will teach me to play cricket, won't they? Hey, this is Hughes, the real one, so I'm not asking any questions about potential old screwballs across the hedgerow. Gentlemen, don't mind the SAM battery, if my RAF says it's okay. Meantime, the CHP (California Hughes Patrol) look has changed from a grin to a classic trooper dirty look, and this, my friends, paradoxically represents big progress.

Sheriff? We've got a new one, a "reformer," taking over a department that rumbles seismic waves like Shiites and Sunnis. The real Muslim rads William is studying-up on, while looking for moderates at home and abroad, yet this impoverished "king" is not afraid to threaten the placement of a want-ad seeking Taliban helpers--why not, when every known species of Bond-movie worthy kook is running around "VC" unimpeded?

Per usual, the dreaded local cops may be my heroes, as they sure do drive around a lot when I chat with a guy who has taken the same name as the boyfriend of a famous actress with the same name as my high school "Theatre Nun." See how it works? Have you brushed-up on your SWB St. Louis phone exchanges of old, Soldier Boy? Better drop that crack pipe and get cracking, son.

Yes, the people known all over town as "The Cops," also drive up & down when-screech-who drove by? Girls, girls, girls; this is not the right way to audition, but please don't think I'm going to do it HH's way, either. So unprofessional! But, uh, like, uh, maybe we could...uh, like...Tall, Grande, or Venti ladies, because I do get a little help there, so I finally have discarded Small, Medium, & Large to get with the program, but not, so please drive carefully while you are gawking at me, Mr. Hu-SCREECH-BAM-BAM-CRUNCH-CLUNK-TINKLE-TINKLE-Fzzzzzzzz.....