letters@time.com

Was someone actually complaining that I "borrowed" a bit of AMBIANCE NON-DAIRY COFFEE CREAMER for my NESCAFE TASTER'S CHOICE instant f---ing coffee, purchased on Food Stamps, when I'm that Hughes? Could I do Summers' old job adequately? Probably, but I'm not a Democrat anymore, and I'm not sucking-up in saying, "This here president Negro's gotta go!"

Watching The Price is Right religiously? Leering at pretty female secretaries in noontime CLAYTON, MO? Hitting up the Rabbi for cash with $60,000 liquid? Bothering his attorney's knockout "assistant," Rosemary? I should be so smart, because I'm speaking of the "other" H-man, you fools!

Dear Mr. Halperin:

Mark, in my social work profession, when you publish in a NASW journal, they want "key words." My cruel key words for SARAH PALIN, sir: "Idiot," Trailer Trash," "Gun Nut," "Ideological Know-Nothing," "Thug Lover," "Helpless Wolf Shooter," "Sex Saleslady," "Incoherent Babbler," "The Hideout Ping Queen," "Dangerous Bimbo," and "Potential Nasty Demagogue."

Done yet, Hughes? No, because I've been dispossessed and tortured, including a microwave energy zap that feels like your body is both on fire and exploding at the same time. Recommended treatment for microwave attack:

1. 600 mg of ibuprofen--FAST, or "STAT," if perchance you are a Las Roblas Nazi Nurse.

2. Get naked.

3. Hot shower.

Is the president nuts? In my humble opinion, yes.

Am I mentally disordered? Are you kidding? No way! When do I get my tee shirt? You know, the one that says, "PSY-OPPED SINCE 1974." And, I don't care what damn color it is.

Did TIME WARNER really pile old video monitors on the west side of 1385 E. Janss Road as a stunt? Yes, they did. Do I own BOEING? Yes, I do.

Why did I flap my wings like a chicken and exclaim, "I own that, too!" when I saw a photo of a modern Apache helicopter? That's between me and the Secret Service. I win? 2013? 2017? Ready, no "set?"

D: "911 dispatch."

H: "This is President Hughes. I've just fired the Secret Service. Could you send a couple of cars over? It's 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."

D: "Yes, sir."

Or, this one is even better, given who brought you the moon landings on TV.

N: "Good morning, NASA."

H: "This is the president. Lock the doors."

It's the real one, Mark,

William C. Hughes

Thousand Oaks, CA