The Real What I Said

Blah, blah, blah.

"They" just keep on killing. But who are they?

Why wait for a script sale to allege Thousand Oaks, California is a big open-air prison camp? She (A.M.) said the "T-word," I didn't. Yes, USA and rest of the world, now it looks like I am writing three books. One, (don't steal the title) shall be called, America, What Don't You Understand About Homeless? Book two shall be, The Disintegration of American Society (thanks to my evil? technologies), and book three (ready for this, John Dean?): The Political Resurrection of Richard M. Nixon. (Mr./Ms. Literary Agent, tell me you don't want to pay an advance on that, when I am the grandson of a perfectly normal guy who sent in the Watergate Plumbers, then told the security guard to look for tape on the Democrats' door).

May I please tie together Taylorism and Saul Alinsky? Has my secret buddy Charles Murray been hanging out at the ACORN office lately? Don't know about that, but I do see a big dichotomy, whereby some are goose-stepping, and other intellectuals seem to be subject to the pejorative mental health term, "loose associations." I am very open-minded, so you should have seen Soldier Boy sprint into the "New Age" store that wisely did not have a cash register hooked-up to a central, hackable computer. "What book is he buying?" Not many, boot camp moron, nor was I there for a RON RAYGUNS psychic reading or astrological chart.

FACT: I bought incense and left, with the fragrance used to combat both my cigar smoke and stinky neighbor spies who came in the "911" abode every time I was out of the building for more than a quick trip to my oh so vandalized cars. Look out at the courthouse! No bombs, just questions, like why half of California drives around with not enough hubcaps, but I was practically arrested for taking all of mine off. (One was stolen, one fell off and was dented, so all were "86'ed," as we used to say at the IHOP). Where is my NISSAN? The engine block is a court exhibit, and now I know how "they" did it. Where is the FORD FOCUS with the onboard computer that is also a future court exhibit? Lock-up the brakes by disabling the ABS remotely? Easy, spies and provocateurs, and "they" might do it to you! On U.S. 101? I-5? Only Hughes gets out of those kind of jams, and the long overpass skid in D.C., facilitated by fireman hosing down the bridge so it would freeze, will be a tale told on the stump, because this boy can drive, when he has a car, that is.

Speaking of the car, Mafia Lawyers, I'm reasonably sure FIFTH THIRD BANK doesn't exist, except as a marijuana "joint" project among solders & spies, so what is the status of the Focus, should policeman get off his ass and recover it? Oh my! This is a job for ASHCROFT/GONZALES/MUKASEY "Gulfstream Jet Chasing Lawyers," is it not? Where is my Gulfsteam? I would not be surprised if Paris & Nicki Hilton "borrowed" it to be summarily kicked-out of Japan. Safest plane in the air, that old penis, with all of the avionics computer-jackin' in progress. Could "we" eventually paint it a color besides Olive Green? Thanks.

Nice to know so many are miserable out here on the West Coast. Want to elect me governor as a write-in? I'd balance the budget in one year and run for president. No? Try me, you'll like me, to paraphrase an old St. Louis appliance dealer. Without further delay, here are some Thousand Oaks/Westlake Village themes, and if you think I err in calling them "thieves," today's losses are as follows: One Ralph's Carrot Whoopie Cake, and one VON'S Banana Nut Muffin.

• "I'm being followed." Chances are you are not "paranoid," and it is true.
• "I'm being kicked out of my 'crash pad' or rented room." No lease? Bye, bye, and don't forget to, "Call the cops, Call the cops" to add a dash of drama.
• "My landlady is on meth" (leading to the eviction, as described above). Hughes does not know your landlady, nor does he carry a drug testing kit. I got in enough Kung Fu fighting situations at CHESTNUT HEALTH SYSTEMS over having the clients blow in a breathalyzer tube. "They" must know me, because I'd look at the young thing I was working with, and we'd say, "Drunk," "Stoned," "Crack,"...whatever.
• "My Dog/Cat/Rat has been killed." This happens too often, but I am not an investigator for PETA, I am trying to make a movie, and/or run for president. PETA, I suppose, is like the CHP and Concord, NH Police, in that they have "Other things to do."
• "My landlord/landlady is reading my mail." They probably are, and my wisdom is to be glad it is not USPS, that Nixonian spy outfit doing it. The mailman goes under Homeland, if I ever get there, and Homeland is The "Department of Internal Security." Don't tell me I can't rearrange .gov on the back of a Carl's Jr. placemat, because I already did.
• "I am being asked a lot of questions." This, my friends, is a sure sign you are being spied upon. Is it the landlady again? May I get elected and put her in jail? Is it the policeman? He's allowed to ask, unless his cop car came from a studio lot. Where are you headed? We're goin' to Newbury! (With one headlight & pink tail lights? Oye! May I go home now?)
• "I have no job." Well get one, you stupid, overly tattooed anarchist! Don't mind my dirty duds, or dare accuse me of being lazy/crazy; I'm blacklisted by the United States Government. And, by the way, HollyScummyWood, where is my "ability check?" Disability? Are you nuts? I'm not. May I run for president now? Not yet?
• "My boyfriend beat me up, and/or wants to kill me." Have you heard of an "Order of Protection?" Oh, you have one, but the genius policeman takes your creep to the hospital, instead of jailhouse? Interesting. Then, the nurse who can't put an IV needle in straight "kicks" him, as we say in the medical biz. Very convenient, but not for the battered woman.
• "I have an Order of Protection, my creep is out of the hospital/jail, but the Police/Sheriff in a cop car won't do anything." Maybe the Sheriff ought to be in jail, but I need some money to be a crusading politician and put him there.
• "I went to the hospital, and they messed me up." Let's don't name names, until I can get a class action suit going. In the meantime, could you please put an IV in right? I'm tired of looking at the badly bruised citizenry.
• "I took a swig of that water, and found out it has crap in it." Hey buddy, could you spare a ounce of recycled s--- water? Uh huh. It was only later I found out on one of those death marches from Newbury to Westlake, when I took a drink of that water--you know where, half-human spies--it was not potable H2O. Amused? I'm not. Do I own the other shopping center? Let's go to court! Oh, and be sure to bring enough water, because when Mafia Navy helicopters go over low, they do not drop any, like in a movie. They'd like me to drop dead, but wait a minute. What are all of those boats doing tied-up in Hawaii? I can see the future, with the U.S. Navy "Black Magic" labs closed, and those poor sailors no longer able to smoke a cig next to an underwater nuclear reactor. One-word solution: DRYDOCK. Want a short sentence? Navy budget cut in half. Did a future me just executive order women out of the armed forces?

Look out, here comes the feminist lynch mob!