William; He's Charles' Son

Crybaby? Where is that young babe now?

Wages not keeping pace? Let's burn some cars in the USA. Aw, let's not.

Who are these fellows at my ST. LOUIS COUNTY LIBRARY? Pirates? Fearsome looking, they are! Why can't I go home? KEYWORDS: "Microfiche," "ANNE JONES," "JUDY HERZOG," etc. etc. etc.

High on meth? Good for you, and son, tell your kids: a) Mr. Hughes got 3 hours of sleep last night; b) The Holly-bust is really on, because "they" gave me the 07/05/10 People & 09/27/10 Star. Do I typically read this stuff? Only when local idiots are "tweaking," or is it "tweeking," like TWEEK, the audiophile's friend? May I have my box of old Stereophile magazines back? Could AIMEE MANN perhaps swing that deal? C'mon...GET REAL! Ms. Mann has a record company of her very own, she's married, and I'd imagine she's busy touring, or recording, or...{KEY WORD} remaining "productive." Yet it is true all are free to sleep under bridges, or behind the [REDACTED by angry EU Royals].

So in jail! And, as another bonus, I'm a gossip columnist now. Ready, set(up), go!

07.25.2010 People

P.5: disclosed MILEY CYRUS & LADY GAGA are "scantily clad." What? Cyrus @ my Starbucks? Businesslike, in preparation for the Disney "We're all piling-on now!" lawsuit, right? Right! Gaga, @ USA GAS? Not "scanty," but oh what a [REDACTED BY NON-DENOMINATIONAL, NO LONGER TAX-EXEMPT EXTREMISTS]
P.6: ANTHONY BOURDAIN has my trashed duffel bag strap color for kitchen mitts, my sister's stove, and did he steal my jeans with the same rip? A pig in the oven? Problem(s): Too many Tony's, and who is the guy? (I don't get out much).
P.12: A JOLIE in Haiti? What is she feeding them? What was H-man's "Theatre Nun's" name? JOLIE, dummy!
P.18: CATHERINE ZETA JONES & NYC dog? With mom's sunglasses and my color blue doggie chain retractor.
P. 20: ASHLEY TINSDALE is all pink and also has a doggie? Why the sad look, girl? Is she married? And, "on the same page," is TOM HANKS as the Cart Boy in BURBANK? Who's cart? Now, Hughes wants to know!
P. 24: MILEY attempted to look sleazy, but please, give me the version 2 feet away from me @ Starbucks. (Did I mention I don't get out much?)
P. 28: Can we top Gaga @ the Mets (6.10.10) & Yanks (6.18.10) game? Do they have ushers? Police? And, why do I recognize her bodyguard?
P. 36: They voted on who should play CLEOPATRA (Only a movie, silly!). JOLIE, 3rd of 3 @ 24%? Call me Mr. Counterintuitive, because, that's you, babe. May I direct? May I first pee in a place besides bushes?
P.39: JENNIFER ANISTON as a "sexually voracious" dentist? Honey, have you heard one of my crowns cracked? Oh, that's right--repeat after me, Disney jailbirds, "Only a script, only a movie" (but not yet on the movie deal, non-deal, perpetual Cali-fornia con job).

[Don't forget! Can you spell HUGHES? Fill in the dot? Stylus? Touch-screen? Where's my photo of the DIEBOLD truck next to my mighty, allegedly wrecked by Russian spies, LA County Sheriff could not care less, mighty FORD FOCUS? Technical Fuji difficulties? Yeah, at the Gates of Hell, and Satan awaits. Don't let them tell you "No," and by all means, clog-up the polls. HP does not spy and send jobs abroad? That broad's a liar! And, at the humble senior center, what did they say about Brown? I'm delusional? POL-SCI jackasses, spies & whores, I know what you did. "He filed and got a PAC, so now we can whisper anything, and he has no legal recourse, because technically, he's a "Public Figure." Brown? "He has no right expecting to be governor again just because his daddy was." They said it, not me. Mafia! Mafia! They are so clever, are they not? Gulfstream Jet-chasing lawyers, tell BEN-BEN//KEN-KEN they are jumping the gun, because first, I have to spend a bit of time in INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI.Why? Be scared; you know you are crazy and want to].

P. 45: EMINEM, did you get a nose job, post-VONS, or...heavens to Betty! Body-doubles? You may need a psychiatrist, but for the record, my ex talked me out of becoming one.
P. 47: OZZIE has still got it going the reviewer said, with Scream, and I got T.O. Starbucks jaws to drop with:
a) My proximity to the OZ.
b) The ticket price.
c) The fact "Paranoid" was from "the new album."
d) A disclosure he was skinny.
e) FULL DISCLOSURE: I left out the part about almost being trampled by anxious morons. (They called it "crystal" back then, son).
P.58-59: Holy Toledo! HARRISON FORD has a jacket just like the president in Air Force One! And, he married ALLIE? What's my joke the spyin' gods love? "Somebody in Hollywood does know William, and this ain't no movie, this is real + it's the real one (Hughes, that is).
P. 58-59: Sitting down? It's the "other" WILLIAM. Nice tie, and ditto for HARRY. Uh...same tie, but Harry's is darker, with slightly wider stripes. William's nose? CHECK. Dimples? CHECK. SSDI for me? NO CHECK. Where is the ABILITY check? And, not to be rude, but why is Harry's hair red?
P. 61: TOM CRUISE had a DODGE COLT as a first car? So did Belle Neighbors' MARK. Oh, not his first car, first "foreign job," as we hoosiers called them back then. It was White.

P. 66: KELLIE PICKLER? That's your real name? Engaged? Good, but what's with the grabbing your shoulder bit? EXTRA! EXTRA! Is this real? JAKE PAVELKA broke it off with VIENNA GIRARDI, and..."Your Honor, where have I seen that woman?" Here come 'da judge: "Don't know, but I'd go for it, Hughes." 24 year-old former HOOTERS waitress? Where? Where did I see her? Drama! Drama!
P. 78: Sweden's PRINCESS VICTORIA (Same name as my physician, and another good UK Kinks song) married a commoner? Holy CA brushfire smoke, Batgirl!
P. 8-1: Murder? Family? What spy novel are you reading, Ding-Dong?
P. 84: BOB GREENE's got Angel Hair Pasta, Walnuts, & Peas, and I've got eight (8) Van de Kamps donuts?Got a problem with that? Wanna rumble?
P. 86: KHOLE KARDASHIAN & "ShanWow?" What's that, girl? I don't get scammed too much (for under a trillion, anyway).

P. 91-92: I found one of Mr. Bourdain's claims to fame was being "addicted to cocaine." Heavens to Betty! Now, it's roast pig on the table for ARIANE, his 3 year-old daughter. Really? Same as the rocket I strongly suspect I manufacture? No further comment.

P. 95: LOHAN'S D.O.B. = 07/02/1986? Again, no comment. LIV TYLER'S D.O.B. = 07/01/1977. Do I sound like a skipping CD?

P. 104: Mad men? SPF = Matte Finish, Anti-Aging, & Sweat Proof.

P. 107: KIM, why did my 'lil buddy "A.M." do that, too?

P. 112: Puzzle? "Above the Law?" You ain't talkin' to me, pal.

P. 113: Pretzels and M & M's? How often can I say, and can you spell N-O C-O-M-M-E-N-T? Jail or Navy, eh? I'm too old to enlist and be detained, right? Never mind.

P. 118: KRISTIN STEWART, it had to be "5," no six, eight, or ten?

P. 119: Angus OSCAR MEYER WIENERS? I drove past their wienerking HQ more than once, and it was near the airport where OZARK AIRLINES almost.....didn't I tell that story on AbolishTheCIA.org? I'm not like who you think, repeating those stories ad infinitum. Who was hitting on me, a married man, from which presidential campaign in 1980? Ole!

BACK COVER: Oil of Olay!!!

CRACK...ZZZIT...POP...CRACKLE..."This is the sound system? We're late again, sorry [IA, NH place]. Who hired these people, anyway? I did? What? You've got to be kidding! This is my staff? How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb?"